Alright, so it's been a few months. And I honestly didn't know when I'd blog again, but on the other hand, I didn't ever feel done with blogging. I feel like a lot of people turn more these days to the "quick fix" of posts on Instagram and Instastories, but every time I pulled up this old blog and it ended showing the below happy-go-lucky, life-is-kinda-normal post about Lochlan turning one month old, it just didn't feel right. Life isn't the same as it was on July 23rd. But man, I kind of long for those days of semi-innocent bliss that I was experiencing on July 23rd.
I don't want to rehash the past 3 months here, because I think most everyone knows what's going on with our sweet Charlotte. I've documented most everything on a dedicated Instagram page, @charlottesjoy.
In the hospital, I toyed with the idea of just closing off everything. Shutting it down. No blog, no Instagram, no putting our very personal story out for the world to witness, talk about, whisper about, and possibly even judge. We don't live in that happy highlight reel anymore. We have real life sadness, challenges much deeper than I ever expected. As we neared our July 31st diagnosis, I got scared that what was going on with Charrie was going to be life-changing, but I still thought it could be "solved" -- or at the very least, managed -- by medication and cutting-edge technology.
But, that's not the case.
It was my husband who held me one night in the hospital and gently encouraged me to continue this if I wanted. To continue to share life as I have been since 2010, to continue to bring people in, to continue to flex this muscle IF and only IF it was therapeutic and helpful to me.
I didn't want to document the daily trials and tribulations here and on my main Instagram page; the hospital stays, the tube feedings, the regressions, the overall challenges ... because, maybe one day, I may want to scroll back and really just relive my OWN highlight reel. Protect my own heart. See the good, backburner the sad. Focus on the cute family pictures, the smiles. The happy times. Not see my daughter in a hospital gown. Not feel that hurt. I'm not denying it's there, I'm just finding a new little place for it. A place I can choose not to re-live on the daily, if needed.
We've been supported by YOU in ways that I never could have imagined. Ways that make my throat ache and eyes water every time I think about it. You know how you look back on things in your life and think, "AAAHHHHH -- I get it now, I see why life did THIS so that THAT would happen." Well, that's what is occurring. I really do feel in my heart like I was led to blog in 2010 because eventually I would need this connection, need this virtual warm hug from all of you, need this outlet for ME, need this connection to people who genuinely care. People who say "I started reading when you were pregnant with Camille," that happens a lot and I feel such a connection to you. It's like we've "met" even though we've never MET.
So anyway. I will wrap this up here, but I guess I just want to say that I will be back from time to time, when it feels good and feels right and feels fun. That's what this blog has always been for me. A happy place. I have so many beautiful memories of Charrie-girl on these pages and it will always be refreshing and cathartic for me to re-read those posts. I write them for you but mainly for me. I need to stay busy, I need to fill my life with tasks that keep me busy and productive. Aldi finds? Stocking stuffer favorites? Recipes you need in your file? These are all problems I can fix.
I need problems I can fix.
So thank you for hangin' tough, for being there for a girl when she's in a place she never dreamed she would be. My baby. My Char. I don't know why things happen the way they do, but all I do know is that nobody questions my devotion to this amazing, lovely, sunshiney-smile girl. Have you ever seen a more beautiful smile?
Me neither.
See ya here for the happy stuff.